We knew it was coming

We just didn't expect a phone call at 4 pm saying that Nicolas was scheduled for surgery at Phoenix Childrens Hospital the next morning at 8 am. We were a little disappointed that he wasn't able to get into the GI doctor and so he was unable to get his G button in his belly(to replace his ng tube we feed him with now through the nose) I spent the evening trying to get everything together, my clothes and shampoo and stuff that the last time I spent a couple weeks in the hospital I really wish I would have had. Then I got Nicolas's things together and all of the paperwork we needed and in the back of my mind all I could think was... just go hold your baby.. if something goes wrong tomorrow you are going to wish you would have just held him tonight. But when I am nervous I cannot just sit.. I have to do... and the baby was sleeping peacefully in his swing(if you know P you know that is a rarity) By the time I went to bed it was about 2 am, we had to feed him at 3:30 am so he could finish by 4:0t.0 am as he couldn't be fed after that due to surgery, so we set the alarm for 3:30 and snoozed for a bit. Morning came early and we packed our stuff into the car and set off to Phoenix children's Hospital(PCH). We had to leave by 6:00 am in order to get there in time. It was raining really hard as it was the last time we took him to his doc in Phoenix(so much for the dry desert) We arrived on time and jumped through some hoops.



WAVIN BYE BYE





At 10:00 am I handed our little angel baby over to the OR nurse and kissed his head what felt like a million times. I felt like I might never see my sweet P again. He is a high risk anesthesia patient and that worried me. I LOST IT right after I handed him off and cried my way to the waiting room where Nick and I hugged and prayed for our Nicolas. It was almost two hours before we heard anything. Every minute felt like an hour! Finally Dr. Schraff came out and told us that the surgery went fine, they placed the trach, did the bronchoscopy, the other scopes the ENT needed to do, and now he was in having his hearing tested. We were both so relieved that he was doing ok. About half an hour after that we were able to go back and walk beside him as they moved him to the ICU.He looked so cute and pink. They told us they needed to get him set up and that we could go to the family waiting room and wait. We finally got to go back to be with him, when we got there they were taking x rays and he wasn't happy. Seeing him in distress was hard. When a baby is on a vent you cant hear them cry, they open their mouth to scream but no air passes their voicebox so no sound comes out and to me it seems like they are choking and gasping for air. It takes some getting used to and I am still not used to it. He has to be watched constantly because if you aren't looking at him you wouldnt know he was in distress, that is until the alarm sounds on the vent. He pulled it off several times, the alarm is SO LOUD. My nerves were already shot and that was about to put me over the edge! I could go on and on with the events of the night, how Nick and I took turns sleeping and watching him. He had a fever of 102.5 so we were extra worried about him. Today that fever is getting better and is THANK GOD... totally normal the last time we took it. So one day after the surgery we have a little guy that breathes comfortably and that looks so good.

Nick and I suctioned his trach for the first time today! They did an echo on his heart and the cardiologist came by to say that the defect in his heart is small and he doesn't need to be followed at all by a cardiologist. That was a huge relief. Right after that the hospital Chaplain stopped in to introduce himself as he made rounds through the PICU. We feel that God has been present in much of what has gone on here and we are so grateful for that. Prayers have been answered. But, don't stop praying just yet! We have a long road ahead of us. I have to sign off as the nurse wants us to help give him a bath. I am so so so tired and my feet hurt from standing bedside that I am a little hesitant to assist! I will try and keep the blog updated more as we are here in the hospital. Thanks for your prayers!

Gearing up for a long week

We are enjoying the weekend and getting ready for what will most likely be a long week! I love weekends because of how the medical issues, problems, etc., seem to get put on hold. I have always loved things that COULDN'T be taken care of on Saturday and Sunday. This week we will be calling a few more doctors and getting more opinions regarding little Nicolas. We are going to be dealing with employment, new schools, drivers licences, looking at houses, etc. It is a lot to try to do when you have a little one who needs so much care (not to mention that you only want to be holding and loving on). If you are willing we would love your prayers... pray that we find the best doctors possible for Nicolas and that they would be guided in making the best decisions for him. Pray for us in the decisions we have to make as his parents, this has always been such a hard thing for us as the decisions we are faced with feel impossible to make. We always ask you to believe with us that he would be healed and still believe he will be. Pray for our other kids to adjust well and that we would be able to be there for them as they need us. Thanks for following our blog, I will post some more pictures soon! Love you all... Jenna

Life changes

All of our kiddos at Christmas


I have been meaning to write here, my little corner of the web, and update all of you on peanut but I keep putting it off for a few reasons. We have been told that baby Nicolas needs a trach and will most likely be on a vent for some time afterwards. No one knows how long, only that without it he will not thrive and will likely not survive. But to bring him home from the hospital we would have to live in an area that could support a home "vent" system, our area is not able to provide the service. We also know that Nicolas will need a team of specialists to deal with his other medical needs if, God willing, he makes it to that point. I am still not ready to talk about what happened, to my heart, as I had to decide to move and save my son, even though it meant I would have to leave another son behind with his dad. I wrote this out a few times and went into way too many details and I didn't want my son to read it(now or ever) and feel bad. I will just say that he was all ready to move with us and at the last minute he was "talked into" not moving. He had already felt so torn and then this was done to him. I don't want him to feel bad or be sad or feel he has to make anyone "happy"... that isn't his burden to bear... so I decided that in faith I would move, and pray that one day my other son will decide to change his mind and join our family here. I didn't know how I could stay and let my baby die, and I still don't know how I pulled out of town without one of my babies!


Allie and Nicolas

Tim and Nicolas

OK I cant write about that anymore... please just pray for all of us. P is doing ok, he saw two doctors today... a pulmonologist and an ENT... the pulmonologist said that he thought Nicolas was ready for a trach based on the history he read from seattle, the ENT said maybe not, maybe he won't need it. I am pretty sure, unfortunately, that he will need it but think that a reevaluation of the whole situation won't be a bad thing. I will know more in a few days and will update the blog again.. I just had to get past this post....

My four boys....

Happy 4 month bday!

Four months I thought we didn't have. Thank you GOD! Nicolas is such a sweet boy and we are so in love with the gift you gave us. We realize he is here for your glory and pray that we all represent you in a way that pleases you. Any child is merely on loan from you and that is how we view our journey with our little "P".

We made it safely to Seattle, having a baby that doesn't tolerate a car seat or car bed without screaming(which leads to blue spells) and driving on icy wintery roads for ten hours was a bit much on my nerves. We arrived in one piece and checked in to our hotel. It was kinda fun in a way to have our little guy in a motel. I know it sounds crazy, but we don't get to do a lot of normal things other families do. I mean, we don't even take him to the grocery store! We went to our appointments with the craniofacial clinic and skeletal dysplasia clinic. They did an ultasound on his hips and found what we already suspected, his right hip is dislocated. It is something that shouldn't be causing him pain right now and it doesnt need to be fixed at this point. Fixing it will require surgery and opening the joint and putting the ball part in. Our day ended with another appointment in the craniofacial clinic. He was concerened that Nicolas was retracting pretty hard and that his carbon dioxide levels were still up and said that the pulmonoligist might decide to admit him to the hospital at his appointment the next day. We were of course dissapointed.
That night we took "p" for a drive around Seattle, they have really pretty lights up and the city seemed really festive. We stopped at a Kmart for supplies and got to try Nicolas in his new stroller. Again, we don't usually even take him in stores and it felt good to feel normal if only for a few minutes. We thought he might want to see the space needle, especially since it might be his last night out of a hospital for awhile!

We both dreaded the next days appointment with the pulmonologist. We got to the hospital a few minutes early and Nick went to get us both iced coffees, we had to get Nicolas' blood drawn and then it was time to talk to the DR. She was concerned for Nicolas for the same reasons the other doctors were but said that he didn't need to be admitted right away. That was a relief. It wasn't a relief however to hear that she thought that if we wanted him to thrive a tracheotomy was needed. It is also a possibility that he will need a ventilator to help his lungs function. This wasn't a total suprise to us as we talk with other parents who have children with CD. Most of them need a trach at some point and even the help of the vent until their airways strengthen. We want our little boy to be comfortable while he is here with us on earth and we are hoping this will allow him to focus on growing stronger instead of using all of energy just to breathe. So after many tears and questions we agreed that the first week of Jan. we would travel back to Seattle and have the surgery done. They have told us it will be a 6 week to 3 month hospital stay. Nick and I will both have to learn to do his trach care and we will need to have home nursing. We are also waiting to find out if there is even anyone in our area that can set up a home vent. If those things cant be lined up we wont be able to come home. This has led us to seriously consider moving and we have narrowed it down to seattle or phoenix. We need to be around bigger and better healthcare facilities for Nicolas. This has been hard on the other children who liked the idea of moving until we told them that we finally were going to do it!

I want to write more, but it is 1 am and I need to feed Nicolas and get to sleep. I do the 1 am feeding and Nick does the 4 am feeding since he is up getting ready for work. If I am lucky the baby sleeps through it, if not, I end up having to get up at 4 am too!

Please just pray for all of us, especially our sweet little Nicolas. He is such a huge part of our family now and we really still believe he can be healed.

closeup

A trip to the ER

Nicolas gave us quite a scare on Saturday night. It started as one of his usual scary fits that I have been talking about and progressed into a fit that wouldn't stop, and Nicholas going way to long without being able to move any air. We wrapped him up in blankets and rushed to the ER. It is the worst feeling in the world seeing your baby gasp for air and not be able to breathe. His eyes bulged and look frightened, he turned a grayish color, and was sweating profusely. By the time we reached the ER he was able to breathe again but was still retracting super hard and really working to breathe. The Doctors looked at him but couldn't really do anything for him. Our ER doesn't seem prepared for our tiny little patient. They were unable to get an accurate pulse ox on him the entire time. We didn't bring feeding supplies and had to rig something up to be able to feed him through his ng tube. It is obvious that we need to be closer to a children's hospital but Nick has been unable to find work in the areas we have looked. He took Monday and Tuesday off of work to help me with Nicolas in case of another episode. Unfortunately he had to go back to work this morning :( and of course.. you guessed it.. another episode. Thank God it didn't get as bad as the one that landed us in the ER, but it wasn't fun. The one today seemed to be related to him pooping his diaper. He isn't constipated but he has trouble actually pushing his poops out. The doctor said it has to do with lung capacity and not being able to push or something like that. He takes miralax daily to help him with that.

There is a great group of people I have met online who have children with CD like Nicolas. There are survivors, which gives us hope. It is really nice to be able to chat with them about medical issues and all of the challenges that go along with the diagnosis.

Our other children are doing well. Their Thanksgiving break starts today so they are happy to not have school for 5 days. Oliver is super excited for Thanksgiving, he loves holidays. He keeps saying " Thanksgiving is tomorrow right" lol...

I better go back to sleep while baby Nicolas is sleeping as I haven't slept much at all lately and am feeling run down. Oh and our church did the nicest thing for us, I will write about it tomorrow...

Three months old! update and pics

I have been stuck with the nickname of "P"!Short for peanut, I think it's because when everyone was saying how cute "Nicolas" is my dad thought they were talking about him!

Me and my mom

I cannot believe little Nicolas is three months old!!! He is starting to smile a lot and "talk" to us. It is so adorable when he gets happy because his little legs kick and his arms swing around. It's hard to say how he is doing health wise. He seems to be retracting more when he breathes, but his carbon dioxide levels haven't increased. He still cries a lot. Most of my time is spent trying to soothe him and once i finally get him to sleep i dont dare get up because if i do he wakes up and starts crying again and we have to start the process over again. I try and enjoy his little cuteness snuggled on my chest sleeping but it gets hard after awhile(8 hours) because i know there are so many things i should be doing. The only time my family gets a good hot meal is when my mother, who already has three jobs, cooks for us in her "spare" time! She is such a good cook and we all cheer when we see grannie pulling in the driveway. She brought us a wonderful meal last night, I had no idea she was coming until she walked into my bedroom, what's funny is Oliver was right behind her with a bowl of her beef stew already, saying how good it was. He must have been hungry! ;-) Our church was wonderful bringing meals for the fist couple of weeks too, my kids loved those ladies! When I do get a few moments free i try and comb my hair, wash bottles, pump, and straighten the house. I know that little pnut is the important thing right now but i also know i need to try and retain somewhat of a normal life for the other children. We have had to consider Nick quitting his job to stay home and help me. Financially that would be a nightmare but I am not sure how long I can do it on my own. As the crying spells are getting worse and the turning purple happening more frequently, it gets to be too much. It sure is nice when the weekend comes and there are two of us, even then we find there aren't enough hands and time to do what needs done.

We are scheduled to go to Seattle Dec. 8 and 9. I am getting a little nervous about traveling 10 hours with Nicolas. His crying fits are so scary and often lead to him turning purple and struggling for air. I have had to weigh the benefits of going against the cons and there is no good answer. It will be a horrible feeling being hours from anywhere with a baby in this condition. All we can do is pray that nothing tragic happens. The doctors feel that is is important he is seen there to see how he is doing.

We celebrated his 3 month birthday with a cake and new binkys! Please keep praying for his health and believing with us that he will be healed. Pray for wisdom for us, and peace. Pray for our other children who are dealing with the sadness of this as well as with us being consumed by the baby. Pray Nick would be able to find a job in Seattle or Phoenix, or anywhere that isn't ten hours away from a childrens hospital!

Thanks for checking in with us!! Love, Jenna